Oh
dear, you, my friend are about to read my long, deep, thoughtful, grammatically incorrect, typo-everywhere rants about my unstable
emotional state.
I didn't realize that I can write this long note, that sadly awfully similar to one of those teenage girls wrote in their pink glittery diaries. As you can see i wrote this in english because i'm afraid my friends and relatives will read it and know my melancholy thoughts and then they will tease me about it (you know my family, how heartless they can be).
If just I knew at the first place I can write long sentences like these when I have a break down, I would recalled all my bad memories every time I open Microsoft Word and become a rich writer like Miss Stephanie Meyer with her Glittering-Vampire-What-his-name-again Cullen.
I write this on my phone so I ignore all grammar rules, and because I'm so deep in my emotional trance the last thing I care is how comfortable you are when you read my notes. But anyway, please read and tell me what you think, be nice please...
Meet two days ago me, a man who deep in denial that he didn't passed that damn-ugly-awful-sodding- bloody-rotten-fuck!ng #cpns test (excuse my language, I still a little bit emotional). As a social media geek, I went to Facebook and twitter to pour my feeling. Not one minute after I posted my failure in an "alay" fashioned way Facebook status, my notifications blown up. Everybody on Facebook tried to console me. They were pm-ed, texted, mentioned me. People become so awfully nice to me. They did all motivator's methods and recite all motivational quotes--that I know they find from a websites-- to cheer me up as I am a failed person. My family, friends, neighbors, my parents friends, my sisters friends who I didn't know, gave me "don't give up speech". Everybody in a second become a counselor, my private counselor hehehe. Thank you guys. I'm fine now, thanks for the concerns, I appreciate it.
Gosh, two days ago, how I felt so stupid not to be the one among of those people who celebrated their achievement. I felt like this is God punishment for me because I did not pray five times a day (FYI, I prayed, but not full five times, I'm still trying to be a devout Muslim). I felt ashamed to walk around my neighborhood. I wanted to stay in bed forever, because my mother tell a lady next door I didn't make it. And I'm sure that lady must be tell her neighbor next to her home, and so on, and then all people who live on my street will know (but hey, you already tell people on Facebook you failed, you moron!, people already know!!, but i know, i know, but at least my Facebook friends didn't give me that look, you know, a pity look like I'm a little orphaned kids who walk around ask for charity) .
All the feelings that I don't know what to call them, lurking around the corners of my fragile heart and become bigger and bigger every minute. My brain filled with thoughts about my efforts which not hard enough to make me succeeded. I don't know how to I overcome this failure. I felt like all negative feeling a failed person could feel poured on me like a rain storm, and I in fetal position, holding my knees, crying, sobbing, like a baby on the ground *dramatic sad music on the background*.
And people said it was just a test. Yeah, a test I'm dying to pass. A barrier, that I need to cross to reach my dream, or my parents dream. Something that my society thought a big accomplishment. what my naive heart longed for a long time, become a civil servant, with steady monthly salary, crisp uniform, shiny clean shoes and professional look.
Why I failed? Why my score so low? Why other people's score higher than mine? Why? I always passed in test before. I always one of those who smile at the end, who will passed with a flying color. Test was my friend. Now, it betrayed me. I studied so f#cking hard. Uhhh why? *scream while tossing my "100% Sukses Tes CPNS" book into the fire*.
I spend hours and hours alone, drown in my regret lake, and asking why?, how?, what if? and such.
But one hour ago, while drinking a cup of bitter black coffee and reading one of my favorite man in the world--Robert Langdon-- run around Florence, Italy, struggling trying to decipher a code in Botticelli's painting about all kind of tortures in hell, I have an epiphany.
An epiphany. It crossed my mind like lightning, bright, fast, but silent. Like when everytime Conan found a clue, who is the villain. I found it. It's what God wanted for me. I'm not a religious person but I'm thinking about God that moment.
I didn't passed that damn test not because I'm stupid or lazy or not lucky, maybe I didn't passed because I'm too good to be a civil servant. Maybe, I supposed to be an actor, or a model (don't laugh, that is one of my dream!!!), or a traveler, or a business man, or a scientist, or a detective, or Mr. Langdon assistant at the future. It's just one little test. Most of people didn't make it either. My uncle tried six time since 2009, a scientist did not found the right answer at the first experiment, athletes did not get gold medal at their first game, an actor did not get a leading role at the first audition, a child can not ride a bicycle at first try. So am I, I can't be who i wanna be at the first try. So I will do it again with different way, because the first one is failed. Or find another passion. Or other thing that worth to be pursued. So yes, I will find my other destiny which better than what I wanted three months ago. I'll back to my old optimistic me and make my new way to find something better. I don't know what I want to be or where I'm gonna be today, but I know i'm on my way there.
Yeah, I have to move on from my failure induced emotional state. I have to clean my brain from all those negative thoughts. I need to make a plan and back up plans. And then execute that plan. I get my spirit back yeaaaaaaahhh!!!! *eye of the tiger song playing in the background*
But, I have to finish this thick book first, because my friends want to know my opinion about this new Robert Langdon's adventure that I assure you is brilliant.
I didn't realize that I can write this long note, that sadly awfully similar to one of those teenage girls wrote in their pink glittery diaries. As you can see i wrote this in english because i'm afraid my friends and relatives will read it and know my melancholy thoughts and then they will tease me about it (you know my family, how heartless they can be).
If just I knew at the first place I can write long sentences like these when I have a break down, I would recalled all my bad memories every time I open Microsoft Word and become a rich writer like Miss Stephanie Meyer with her Glittering-Vampire-What-his-name-again Cullen.
I write this on my phone so I ignore all grammar rules, and because I'm so deep in my emotional trance the last thing I care is how comfortable you are when you read my notes. But anyway, please read and tell me what you think, be nice please...
Meet two days ago me, a man who deep in denial that he didn't passed that damn-ugly-awful-sodding- bloody-rotten-fuck!ng #cpns test (excuse my language, I still a little bit emotional). As a social media geek, I went to Facebook and twitter to pour my feeling. Not one minute after I posted my failure in an "alay" fashioned way Facebook status, my notifications blown up. Everybody on Facebook tried to console me. They were pm-ed, texted, mentioned me. People become so awfully nice to me. They did all motivator's methods and recite all motivational quotes--that I know they find from a websites-- to cheer me up as I am a failed person. My family, friends, neighbors, my parents friends, my sisters friends who I didn't know, gave me "don't give up speech". Everybody in a second become a counselor, my private counselor hehehe. Thank you guys. I'm fine now, thanks for the concerns, I appreciate it.
Gosh, two days ago, how I felt so stupid not to be the one among of those people who celebrated their achievement. I felt like this is God punishment for me because I did not pray five times a day (FYI, I prayed, but not full five times, I'm still trying to be a devout Muslim). I felt ashamed to walk around my neighborhood. I wanted to stay in bed forever, because my mother tell a lady next door I didn't make it. And I'm sure that lady must be tell her neighbor next to her home, and so on, and then all people who live on my street will know (but hey, you already tell people on Facebook you failed, you moron!, people already know!!, but i know, i know, but at least my Facebook friends didn't give me that look, you know, a pity look like I'm a little orphaned kids who walk around ask for charity) .
All the feelings that I don't know what to call them, lurking around the corners of my fragile heart and become bigger and bigger every minute. My brain filled with thoughts about my efforts which not hard enough to make me succeeded. I don't know how to I overcome this failure. I felt like all negative feeling a failed person could feel poured on me like a rain storm, and I in fetal position, holding my knees, crying, sobbing, like a baby on the ground *dramatic sad music on the background*.
And people said it was just a test. Yeah, a test I'm dying to pass. A barrier, that I need to cross to reach my dream, or my parents dream. Something that my society thought a big accomplishment. what my naive heart longed for a long time, become a civil servant, with steady monthly salary, crisp uniform, shiny clean shoes and professional look.
Why I failed? Why my score so low? Why other people's score higher than mine? Why? I always passed in test before. I always one of those who smile at the end, who will passed with a flying color. Test was my friend. Now, it betrayed me. I studied so f#cking hard. Uhhh why? *scream while tossing my "100% Sukses Tes CPNS" book into the fire*.
I spend hours and hours alone, drown in my regret lake, and asking why?, how?, what if? and such.
But one hour ago, while drinking a cup of bitter black coffee and reading one of my favorite man in the world--Robert Langdon-- run around Florence, Italy, struggling trying to decipher a code in Botticelli's painting about all kind of tortures in hell, I have an epiphany.
An epiphany. It crossed my mind like lightning, bright, fast, but silent. Like when everytime Conan found a clue, who is the villain. I found it. It's what God wanted for me. I'm not a religious person but I'm thinking about God that moment.
I didn't passed that damn test not because I'm stupid or lazy or not lucky, maybe I didn't passed because I'm too good to be a civil servant. Maybe, I supposed to be an actor, or a model (don't laugh, that is one of my dream!!!), or a traveler, or a business man, or a scientist, or a detective, or Mr. Langdon assistant at the future. It's just one little test. Most of people didn't make it either. My uncle tried six time since 2009, a scientist did not found the right answer at the first experiment, athletes did not get gold medal at their first game, an actor did not get a leading role at the first audition, a child can not ride a bicycle at first try. So am I, I can't be who i wanna be at the first try. So I will do it again with different way, because the first one is failed. Or find another passion. Or other thing that worth to be pursued. So yes, I will find my other destiny which better than what I wanted three months ago. I'll back to my old optimistic me and make my new way to find something better. I don't know what I want to be or where I'm gonna be today, but I know i'm on my way there.
Yeah, I have to move on from my failure induced emotional state. I have to clean my brain from all those negative thoughts. I need to make a plan and back up plans. And then execute that plan. I get my spirit back yeaaaaaaahhh!!!! *eye of the tiger song playing in the background*
But, I have to finish this thick book first, because my friends want to know my opinion about this new Robert Langdon's adventure that I assure you is brilliant.
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